Here at “Off the Markley” we tackle the big issues of our times: social, economic, and political. Our crack research team of Austrian economists, Iranian nuclear scientists not-yet-assassinated-by-Israel, and Israeli assassins works round the clock to bring you the analysis of the the modern era’s zeitgeist that you’ve come to expect.
And now we tackle perhaps the most pressing issue I’ve long intended to write about: Where the f*ck does all this belly-button lint come from?
This lint in my belly button: what’s the deal? How does it get there? And how can it possibly accumulate so fast?
Here are the facts: Last night, I got back from the gym at approximately 7:05 p.m. and before taking a shower, noticed a rather large lump of gray lint resting indolently in the crevasse of my inny. Bemused, I removed it and threw it on the floor of our bathroom along with the 37,000 of its brethren I’ve removed since moving into this apartment. Then I awoke this morning at 11:55 a.m. (yes, being a freelance writer allows you all kinds of perks like this) and upon standing, scratching, and stretching lowered my gaze only to spot a shockingly large mound of lint yet again protruding from my navel!
And it was bigger than its cousin I took out last night!
Since I wasn’t wearing a shirt while I slept (ladies, you can take a moment), that means this belly button lint had to accumulate from the hours of 7:20 p.m. when I put a shirt back on to 3:45 a.m. when I finished working and undressed to go to bed. That means my navel is accumulating lint at a rate that would win a NASCAR race (or so the Iranian nuclear scientists tell me).
Here’s what I think we need to do: we need to marshal both the public and private scientific sectors to develop a camera that I can affix to my stomach which will point directly to my navel 24 hours a day, taking a picture every five seconds so we can get a time-lapse record of my belly button lint accumulation. We need to understand this phenomenon. Who knows? Given the astonishing rate at which these lint fuzzballs grow, perhaps it will prove to an enduring source of renewable energy that we can use to power the cities of the future. Our team of Austrian economists tell me it’ll be worth a fortune.
Next up: the abominable situation with home heating oil subsidies in the Northeast and why do I always have one toenail that’s the color of a frog dying of rectal cancer?