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The New York Times Discovers Cornhole

(Heather Charles, Chicago Tribune / April 16, 2010)

As a regular New York Times reader and supporter, who generally believes people who whine about “coastal elitism” are merely issuing themselves a blanket pardon for their own ignorance or backwardness on various subjects, a recent article appeared that could not make this Midwestern boy want to vomit more.

Titled “Just Tossing Around the Old Bag of Corn” (Jesus Christ), it appeared on September 14th and deals with the sudden popularity of the game “cornhole,” which nancy-pants people sometimes call “bags” (do not call it “bags” ever) or, according to the Times “tailgate toss” (never ever call it “tailgate toss”). Apparently, the East Coast elite have just now discovered a game that my uncles have been playing at family reunions since I can remember being able to use a toilet. Unlike the article, I refuse to explain what cornhole is because that would be about as condescending as explaining downs in football.

Even worse, the article quotes primordial d-bag Bill Hemmer of Fox News.

“I find it to be a very charming, passive, social summer game until you get to the moment where you have a close game and you have to score or you lose,” he said recently in his backyard in Sag Harbor, N.Y.

Mr. Hemmer discovered the game when he was visiting his hometown, Cincinnati, in 2005. “I heard through friends and family back home that they were playing tailgate toss as the next wave of entertainment before the Cincinnati Bengals games,” he said.

First of all, Hemmer, you tool, you went to Miami University. I know this because whenever people tick off our famous alumns, they now lead with you because our most famous, a quarterback, has had some problems with his sexual assualtiness. However, for you to have gone to Miami University and not encountered cornhole until 2005 simply baffles me. Like what else were you doing there? Please explain.

Secondly, a “charming, passive, social summer game”? You’ve obviously never played with my friend Justin, who treated each game like the NBA finals, and who routinely won because even ten beers deep, real Midwesterners’ cornhole skills don’t degrade with drunkeness but become more acute and our attitudes more cutthroat. At a recent family reunion my 21-year-old cousin Alex couldn’t have missed fewer 3-pointers if you were hitting him the head with a 2×4 while he was playing. We had like 100+ player tournament organized by my Uncle Dave, and every point was as serious as brain surgery on a baby, Hemmer.

Ultimately, New York Times, there’s something vaguely insulting about having a game you’ve played for years held up as this quaint bumpkin pastime suddenly made hip by all the East Coast colleges that will send their graduates to the halls of Congress, the towers of Wall Street, and the ignominy of the Supreme Court, but who couldn’t figure out how to cut a hole in a f***ing board and throw a bean bag at it.

If I see a story on euchre, New York Times, I’m going to flip.