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One of You Geeks, Give Me Your Old iPad

Eager iPad 2 customers line up outside the North and Clybourn Apple store on Friday. (Stephen Markley photo for RedEye)

I recently covered the debut of the new iPad2 at the Apple Store on North, and one of the things that immediately struck me about the 300-odd self-admitted geeks waiting in line for the 5 p.m. unleashing of iPadocracy was that none of them actually needed a new iPad.

They all had the old iPads, which I presume worked just fine, and they simply wanted this brand-new iPad with its cameras and faster processing.

Let me make two things clear about you Apple geeks. First of all, I’m allowed to call you geeks because I am the son of two Apple geeks. Luckily, I did not inherent this virulent strain of geekdom from them, but because they are my parents, I have immunity from criticism of my less-than-delicate phrasing. It’s like how if I were black and raised by white parents I could freely run around calling everyone “honky.”

Second, you Apple geeks obviously do not know there is a recession aftermath going on. A lot of people are unemployed, underemployed, or scraping to get by and cannot afford an iPad2. We need charity for these people–like me. That’s why I propose that one of you geeks donate your old iPad to me.

Or did you want me to type out all my blogs and columns and future books from an insufferable touch-the-screen-and-it-doesn’t-do-shit laptop?

And do you realize I had to read the New York Times the other day from a piece of f***ing paper? I started to fold the cover back but the story I was reading on the front page wasn’t even in on the next page. “Continued on A18″? What the peanut-butter-and-Christ does that mean?

Look, I know I’m not the only one suffering. Apple has delayed the release of the iPad2 in Japan due to, well–let’s just say this is not the right time for a balls-to-the-wall PR campaign focused on anything other than how best to deliver food and clean drinking water.

So if you must donate your old iPad, fine–I suppose Japan makes more sense. But that doesn’t mean their are people right here in America who are going without apps and app smears and whatever else those crazy things do.

Now, which one of you honkeys is going to give me your old iPad?