Let me say up front that I love the NBA All-Star Weekend slam dunk contest more than I could ever love my own child.

For young Stephen Markley, it was the Superbowl in terms of emotional satisfaction. I still remember my friends and I would watch it and then go out the next day, lower my buddy’s driveway hoop to eight feet (OK, seven) and attempt to recreate our favorite dunks.

This year, however, I have to call bullshit on Blake Griffin’s now relentlessly YouTubized dunk over a car. That this was considered interesting is a testament to how inured we’ve become to product placement.

The NBA, in its extremely bizarre alliance with Kia (of course we all
think of Asian economy cars when we think NBA), clearly told Griffin,
“Hey, dude, we need to work a Kia Sorento into your last dunk.” This
would have been fine had he jumped over the length of the car. In fact,
that would be the most awesomest thing I’d ever witnessed or ever
possibly could.

But he just jumped over it sideways? Hell, lower that basket to seven feet, and I could do that.

And
Blake Griffin is like the most hyper-athletic, powerful, beastly,
god-like basketball monstrosity to ever grace the face of the planet.
He’s had better dunks while half-asleep in the third quarter of a
meaningless game against the Kings. Adding a gospel choir cannot
disguise the intellectual dishonesty that was the Kia dunk.

I demand an official acknowledgment from basketball fans and players the world over that that dunk was a 7.5 at best.